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oh these little rejections.. how they disappear quickly...
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in H's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
1:13 am
I'm moving to New York.

See you the fuck later bitches.
Sunday, June 5th, 2005
11:40 pm
I've noticed quite a few newcomers since I checked this journal.

So I thought I'd say hi, I'm alive but over at angels_burn and who are you so I can friend you back?
Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
4:16 am
"We were young and wild and free ..."
I R SO KINDERGOTH.

Uhm. Just because I dressed up for a rave and ended up going to a goth club (a GREAT one we found in Hollywood, hurrah!) instead because Rave Links is fucking retarded.

But as of now I have way better online conduits to seemingly promising places. Hell yes. We will see.

For now, I gotta run and tend to a moping Niami.
Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
7:57 pm
Sealed with a kiss.
You know, you're really a disappointment.

You're a meek coward at heart.

And you weasle your way out of things.

And now, look.

You've got what you wanted.

And you used me until I lost value.


Thanks a lot.

Promiscuous bitch.

You're nothing anymore.


You are a failure.

When anything matters.
Sunday, August 18th, 2002
2:44 pm
Guess what, kids?
I think it's time again for a new journal.

But I need a username ... and since I don't know who's reading this anymore, I need comments as to who is still peeking in on my life. 'Cause I finally figured out the "friends only" function. :: Genius. ::

So, do me a favor or two: drop your name and a suggestion for a new name.

I'm thinking "CoolDanny" otherwise.
2:50 am
Why do you talk so much. It makes my head hurt. :: Lazyass. :: xD

YAY SEAWORLD, HOME OF ABUSED SEALIFE.

... ;D
Friday, August 16th, 2002
12:24 am
"I turn to you."
Went to Hillcrest. Got my belly button pierced. I don't care what anyone says: that hurt like the bizzitch.

Sorry, Linds. I wanna get a criss-cross piercing to interlock with this barbell, so I'll wait to see you for that. <3

Having a sweet time. Went swimming -- at the beach, no less. A bathing suit does motivate.

Went to the zoo yesterday. Kind of ironic, considering Mizarty was gonna do just the same yesterday but couldn't.

We saw kitties and got kitty ears. Wee!

We saw Austin Powers. "MOLEYMOLEYMOLE!"


Stopped talking to her. I can't stand anymore of her abuse. I've had just about enough. And it's a tragic thing, but I just can't stop talking to her until she changes. Somehow. And perhaps everything will fade and I won't have to be jealous when she's mentioned in ually conversations, and I won't have to be reminded of all the shit she's put me through.

And maybe she'll actually need me enough to seek me out. It isn't up to me anymore. It never was, God damn it.

I have to sell my DragonCon ticket. I don't wanna have to do it on eBay. Meh. So much to do.
Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
11:01 am
Yay for downloads and my bestest buddy, Caz. And U2. :: Impressed. ::
From where I stand
I can see through you
From where you're sitting pretty one, I know it got to you
See the stars in your eyes
You want the truth, but you need the lies
Like Judy Garland, like Valentino,
You give your life for rock and roll

Stand!
We're on the landslide of love!
You got everything you want,
And what you need you give away

For a primitive love, and a ride on the mystery train
A primitive love
A room at the heart, heartbreak hotel
A room at the heartbreak, heartbreak hotel</i


Current Mood: groggy
3:03 am

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin

You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you


Without you






Nights are vicious.
When you recover empty beds.
And all the memories that lay dusty upon rumpled sheets.
And not daring to shift a piece in fear of clogging a breath of sentiment.
Sustaining each picture-perfected remnant just as it was left.
Whether fondly ... dryly ...
Disparagingly.
Without another over-the-shoulder take.


I can't stand this room and all its enclosed passions and forget-me-nots.
But I cling to every single shred of nostalgia
2:35 am
"Once beneath the stars ... the universe was ours ..."
My tongue feels gross. And it looks gross with all the build-up and hints of blood.

But I was told that's a good sign as the swelling receeds. w00t.

I can't wait 'til I can take the metal ball bar out and replace it with colorful plastic.

I want a kitty. Or an eight ball. Or cosmic ornament. Fun stuff.

And soon I'm getting my navel pierced, too. Mmm, masochism.

Adam gave me my new lifetime, lifelong pair of shades. They're barbed wire and thick and lavendar. Squee!

When the music plays
And when the words are touched with sorrow


Moody Blues are fucking awesome. And underrated, mind you. You should DL "Your Wildest Dreams" by them. Even though it just relates completely to me and the estranged, pink pussy.

But it's still absolutely gorgeous in the purest sense.

Meh. I need a new perfume/cologne/body scent. Any recommendations? Any personal favorites? I will try it. ;D

Tomorrow we go to Hillcrest (big gay SD community) and I get to be a dykey bitch and lead around my frooty toyboy on a leash as he acts all gay. Good times. Very uplifting. It's just too bad I am so gay, myself.

I only wish I could feel more open-minded and hearted. I know it isn't fair to Adam. I'm just so tired of talking about my poor excuse of a life until late. It makes me nauseous, and I'm haunted by it every day.

Maybe the best thing to do is to just plain cut off contact with her? Maybe just e-mail for the sake of our RP, since we both miss it. If she really wants me, she'll be the one to come back. Otherwise, I can't "make things better." It's far beyond repair and forgive-and-forget.

Besides, if I haven't been there for her, I still won't be after the fact.

So, fuck that.

No more talk of it.

Someday we'll both come to our senses and realize we either need each other ... or ... don't.


I think it might be sleepy time now.


Dizanny loves yew
Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
8:22 pm
"I struggle in your presence, though you may not see...I care for everything you are."
Went to see Bella Morte Sunday.

Didn't go looking for Bella. I have company to keep ... and I just never felt that close to BM. Hopefully someday I'll be able to relate to them. I just feel inferior because I'm not "one of the guys." But that's okay.

Andy makes the fucking funniest faces. He is so the zombie of zombies. I really hope in the future I can videotape some of their performances.

"I dedicate this next song to ... Heather! :: Grin. Shrug. :: ... 'cause ... she came again! ... which is so fucking awesome."

Too bad it was called, "Regrets", Andy. ¬¬

And I got a smooch on the head.

And ... uhm ... Bn's baby boy is named Thirsten. And he farts a lot apparently.

AND I GOT BELLA MORTE UNDIES.

And their new guitarist's name is Tony. Tony is uber friendly and talkative. I already love him.

They're so punk -- with just that charming touch of goth. It's cute as hell.

Andy's planning to propose to his girl in a year. Oh, how jealous it makes me. I'm such a covetous elf.

Anyway. Let me express a thought about the ever estranged ex. I know. It's everlasting. Bear with me; there will be snippits like this in probably every post in this journal to come.

Thank God I have ... three journals. A good way to sift though and wheedle my myriad mind.

I can barely stand to be touched intimately by anyone. Held and what have you. It practically stings. And it makes me so motherfucking mad. I know the wounds are still fresh and new, and I'm having such a hard time coping. Since ... you know ... still suspiringly in love and all.

She used to feel the same way. Couldn't stand to be touched even plutonically or chummily by anyone. When we were in the early stages. And now it nauseates to me to think about it.

It's just ... the whole inability-to-endure-intimacy thing (on any level) from physical interaction to emotional confidance really begins to make me cold. I already feel cold. Stony.

Well, now I am thoroughly distracted, so I must depart.

More at a later date.
Thursday, August 8th, 2002
1:15 pm
"When I am Queen ...
Yeah. A real update.

Going back Saturday evening. Alone again today. But I warned her that if she was going to be gone all day, I was out of here -- i.e. Ann Arbor.

Speaking of Ann Arbor, I ran around the city with Martyboo a couple nights back. I missed that, and it was super surreal. I've been experiencing a lot of surreal states of my mind over this month. It's funny. It would have been romantic to be piggybacked through a grassy area at night in a desolate city after hours. And it was. It's something I would definitely appreciate from a lover. Or a really good friend. Yeah. I'm all mopey, I know. Yeah. But it was an insanely surreal moment.

I'm gonna make it right next time, should I dare to trust again. Something tells me I won't have a choice. I never do.

I think I'm gonna wear a dress today. If I can find one.
Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
2:21 am
"You said you had that dream last night ... of the stranger in your room ..."
Thanks for looking out for me, Dozer.

I promise you I'm OK.


You're nothing that they say you are.

You're every bit the diamond in the rough.

My tragic disco.


You're exquisite.
Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
12:15 pm
So, yes, we are LJ losers.

Last week was good.

Last night was good.

Yesterday was good.

Marty's a saving grace and new, good friend.

I like the Ann Arbor people a lot.

So I've been choosing this group over the Commerce group.

Although Ben is nice and funny. The only nice and funny person of them all.

Sorry, but Derrick can go to Hell. I feel for him and all, but I saw Mainy first. She was -mine- first. I don't think I will ever overcome it. Of course, it's way more her fault than his because she pursued it. But I'll quit with the saga. It's just too severe a hurt. And it's fucking crazy. I just don't understand how someone could do that. How she could do that to me. After -all- we've had. Yeah. Uhm. Bitter sums it up.

Tica's now in Texas. I hope she's able to move back to CA. The possibility of living with her is a good one. And, yes, I will consider it. What else have I got to lose?

Sneaker Pimps is hella bitchin'.

Bella Morte this Sunday.

Adam. Very. Soon.

I hope he won't mind picking me up from the airport and going to the show the next day. Eee. I hate inconveniences, but I will go -- no matter how jetlagged I am. I <3 Bella Morte, and I miss Andy to pieces.

I'm smoking cloves now. It's disgusting, but I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

Besides, cloves smell good.

I make people smoke cloves around me if they must smoke.

I feel silly sharing the ashtray with Shemaine, though. It's all too ironic.



What the fuck next?



Right now? Masturbate-o'-clock.
Monday, August 5th, 2002
3:08 am
"Some people change ... Never change."
So.

Evensong.

I come to realize ...

I never did fall out of love with you.

I know. I don't learn, do I?

You're one of my best friends. And how I wish I was your world.

I was at one point, wasn't I?

And I took it for granted.

Because -- at the time -- I couldn't accept my position, no matter how supreme and precious it was.

I'd take anything now.

I've done a lot of growing up. Growing out.

Then, I just wanted you. To be mine. And I yours.

Now, I want you.

Anyway I can have you.

I love you.

And I miss you.

I value everything we have.


You were the happiest thing to enter my life.

A splash of glitter onto an otherwise drab slate.



I just thought
you should know.


I'm still in love with you.

Nothing could take your place in my heart.

Supernova.

My wishes are with you.
Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
5:36 am
sky . with . stars

You're so good to me
Wait impatiently
And isn't it sad that you still have to ask if I care?
I never said I was perfect
But I can take you away
Walk on shells tonight
Can't do wrong tonight
And you can't say the word 'cause I need to know...
I never said I was perfect
But I can drive you home



I never said I was perfect
But can you take me home?
5:20 am
"You've got the most startling blue eyes I've ever seen ..."
I want to lay with someone upon the crisp dew of subsiding twilight, inhaling the distinct, ambrosial fragrance of morning glory in the revived and ever-fresh caress of frigid gusts ... the unique trim of moist blades ... the vivacious spread of neon warmth across the horizon ... Wins lain against the enthralling inevitability of antemeridial transitions.

I'd feel so vernal.

And turning over, I'd curl into your arms and steep myself in irrevocable certainty. My safeguard, tender as any redolent daybreak.


Any takers?

It just sounds so good right now. A idyllic, heartfelt surreality. Picture-perfect and oh-so-sweet.

Oh, sweep me away and scatter us both to the winds. A simple zephyr could whisk me away. From her. Into you.

Please, let me trust you.




I'm too romantic for my own good.
Friday, August 2nd, 2002
5:02 pm
Lmao.

So. another day im Amm Arbor.

I'm certain I wanna get me tongue pierced now -- right at the moment I have absolutely no money.

DragonCon is looking a little more hopeful. Between Katie and I, it might work out. ;-; I miss my other half/partner in crime.

And yeah, I woke up to an ovulatory massacre.

I think I started my period last night, but I was too drunk to know.

Hurhurhur.

Everyone's encouraging me to move out here. It's quite a shock. I don't know how I'm taking it. I already promised myself I wouldn't. Maybe ... maybe as a temporary fixture.
2:47 pm
You are NOT worth the price of my life.

You are NOT worth the toll of my soul.



How many more sunests must pass before I accept that the day is over?
Wednesday, July 31st, 2002
3:59 pm
Why do we crucify ourselves?

Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
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